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Distressed
Any news of my untimely demise is only a slight exaggeration. Here's the scoop. My insurance company has contacted me agian this afternoon and told me that my benefits are indeed going to be canceled as of the end of this month. This is devastating. My insurance benefits are already half of what my salary had been, and that salary was $20K less than my prior position. The insurance company still wants something from a "treating physician" regardless of the fact that what I have can't be treated and no one is treating me for it. The last time I was at the doctor was January 07 with very high blood pressure. It was about that time that I stopped taking my BP because the stress over it wasn't worth it.
Stress could kill me. Literally. I already have a problem with blood pooling and not circulating properly. This causes my heart rate to go up. Add to that the fact that I have 3 liters less blood than I should, and it makes my tachycardia even worse. When you are under stress, the stress hormones raise your heart rate even further and concentrates blood in your muscles, which makes my heart rate even worse because it is already fighting against pooling problems, volume problems, and now re-direction problems and hormonal stimulation. It's a recipe for a coffin.
Anyway, I'd appreciate some fervent prayer on this. And if anyone knows of a good free lawyer, I'd love to hear from you. I have a huge amount of stress right now. Not only do I have this on my plate, but I have a teenage son who has hit a rebellious stage, and my mom's cancer recovery has stalled with what appears to be the same kind of symptoms that I have. She may have developed the same thing. The good news (if there is a lining to the storm cloud) is that her oncologist may know some doctors in the area that are familiar with the condition.
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Also, you should apply for SSD and/or SSI if you haven't already. The paperwork involved is ghastly, but if you qualify for either or both, it's well worth the trouble. When I applied for them, a gentleman at Social Security helped me with the paperwork, which was a big help indeed.
This may sound silly, but I've found for myself that thinking "healthy" thoughts helps. Even little changes in how we view our circumstances can make a world of difference. Our beliefs tend to form our reality, not the other way around I've learned...the hard way.
I'll keep a good thought for you. Brightest blessings.
Positive thoughts, as you mention, are HUGE. One's symptoms may not change, but we *can* change their outlook. The fact that my new health limitations didn't make me angry or depressed had the doctors sending me to a shrink when this first happened. They couldn't really understand how a man of faith could have peace in times of trial. Guess that is what is meant by a "peace that passes all understanding".
I have a friend who's site you might enjoy. It's [link]. His essays are great. He's shown me a whole new world. One in where, what happens to us isn't as important as how we move through it. My personal philosophy is that God is inside me, as god. We can perform miracles you know, but it's more than believing we can. I've learned that one has to know one can, without having to stop and think about it. When we think, it gives us time to doubt.
After reading your past journal entries, I still don't know what your diagnosis is. Or what goes on with you on a daily basis. I know you're tired. Oh and hey...don't fret too much over it taking 4 tries to spell disability; normal people don't have much on you!
A 29-month waiting period at your local office? God DJ, where do you live? You need to move to another state, because that's insane!!!
D.
That insurance company is going to get the bulk of your 'back' benefits? Oh that sucks big, big time.
I'll keep a good thought for you.